Better Living Through Evil
This is just for fun. Thanks to littlem for the lovely compliments, and the multitudinous comments! You made my work day. MG
MORALITY EPIDEMIC PLACES AMERICA'S CHILDREN AT RISK
ATLANTA - "Goody two shoes!" shouts little Greg Northenby, kicking savagely at Kathy Stebbens' calves, as the Southern Baptist minister's daughter runs for safety into the tool shed behind her family's house. As she makes good her escape, Greg and the other little boys "baa" like sheep, throwing further epithets at little Kathy. Finally, they grow tired and go away.
This is not an uncommon occurence in the life of little Kathy Stebbens, for, like an increasing number of children in America, Kathy is good.
Preparing dinner in the family kitchen, Kathy's mother shakes her head with pity. "My heart hurts for Kathy," says Mrs. Elle Stebbens. "Kids can be so cruel."
"We're planning on sending her to a camp," adds her husband, Rev. Jim Stebbens, who has just returned from stealing the morning paper off the neighbor's front porch. "We saw a segment on Inside Edition."
Since 1981, goodness rates in children ages 5 to 12 have risen alarmingly. Is it the American diet? Is it too much television? Honestly, it's impossible to know, so it seems most reasonable simply to blame the children themselves.
"Kathy was such a mean, superficial little baby," says her Aunt, Kelly Jazelby, plaintively. "I can't think where Elle and Jim went wrong. It's hard to look at her and think of her as a pretty little girl anymore, and if I'm thinking that, and I'm her aunt and I love her, what must other people be thinking?"
In 2001, the Department of Health estimated that stress-related illnesses were responsible for over 300,000 American deaths a year. Once it was discovered (in January, 2002) that many of the symptoms of stress can be alleviated by careful cultivation of an evil nature, the Department, aided by many organizations dedicated to evil (such as Amway and Walmart) began an all-out campaign to revitalize the American public.
"If you don't do the work," says Stet Billsworth Bunson, a personal trainer certified in both weight-bearing and aerial evil, "you've got no one to blame but yourself for whatever happens to you. I'm sorry, but that's just life. Goodness is not just ugly to look at, it's unhealthy, and it's costing the healthcare system millions of dollars a year."
Thankfully, there is help for children like Kathy. The camp Rev. Jebbens has enrolled her in for the summer is the famous Camp La Jella. In the 20 years since its founding, Camp La Jella has helped hundreds of children from ages 8 to 17 learn the new habits and life skills they need to maintain a healthy level of evil. "These children are going to have to show inner strength every day for the rest of their lives," says Camp Counselor Reggie Beerbotham, who has just uncovered a stash of Unicef boxes under the mattress of one of the campers. Sighing, he piles them on the child's pillow and goes outside to find some dog feces. "I honestly believe that evil doesn't come naturally to some of them. But what are you gonna do? You can't let them be good. What kind of lives are they going to have? Who's going to love them?"
Enrolled in the camp for only two weeks, Kathy is already showing encouraging signs of improvement. At first, she was unable to steal without eventually returning to the scene of the crime and either tearfully confessing or returning the item stolen. Now, she coolly pockets the craft counselor's reading glasses with only the faintest of guilty expressions and casually strolls out of the room.
One young woman is on the road to recovery, but many remain, and the future of America's youth remains uncertain. Ulcers are becoming as common on the playground as they once were in the Elks Lodge (where now a standard of rude good health is rigorously maintained). One thing is certain, however: good people are worthy of spite and disgust. It is your duty as a responsible American to shun and jeer at them, and to remind them, as forcefully as possible, that you are better than they are.
MORALITY EPIDEMIC PLACES AMERICA'S CHILDREN AT RISK
ATLANTA - "Goody two shoes!" shouts little Greg Northenby, kicking savagely at Kathy Stebbens' calves, as the Southern Baptist minister's daughter runs for safety into the tool shed behind her family's house. As she makes good her escape, Greg and the other little boys "baa" like sheep, throwing further epithets at little Kathy. Finally, they grow tired and go away.
This is not an uncommon occurence in the life of little Kathy Stebbens, for, like an increasing number of children in America, Kathy is good.
Preparing dinner in the family kitchen, Kathy's mother shakes her head with pity. "My heart hurts for Kathy," says Mrs. Elle Stebbens. "Kids can be so cruel."
"We're planning on sending her to a camp," adds her husband, Rev. Jim Stebbens, who has just returned from stealing the morning paper off the neighbor's front porch. "We saw a segment on Inside Edition."
Since 1981, goodness rates in children ages 5 to 12 have risen alarmingly. Is it the American diet? Is it too much television? Honestly, it's impossible to know, so it seems most reasonable simply to blame the children themselves.
"Kathy was such a mean, superficial little baby," says her Aunt, Kelly Jazelby, plaintively. "I can't think where Elle and Jim went wrong. It's hard to look at her and think of her as a pretty little girl anymore, and if I'm thinking that, and I'm her aunt and I love her, what must other people be thinking?"
In 2001, the Department of Health estimated that stress-related illnesses were responsible for over 300,000 American deaths a year. Once it was discovered (in January, 2002) that many of the symptoms of stress can be alleviated by careful cultivation of an evil nature, the Department, aided by many organizations dedicated to evil (such as Amway and Walmart) began an all-out campaign to revitalize the American public.
"If you don't do the work," says Stet Billsworth Bunson, a personal trainer certified in both weight-bearing and aerial evil, "you've got no one to blame but yourself for whatever happens to you. I'm sorry, but that's just life. Goodness is not just ugly to look at, it's unhealthy, and it's costing the healthcare system millions of dollars a year."
Thankfully, there is help for children like Kathy. The camp Rev. Jebbens has enrolled her in for the summer is the famous Camp La Jella. In the 20 years since its founding, Camp La Jella has helped hundreds of children from ages 8 to 17 learn the new habits and life skills they need to maintain a healthy level of evil. "These children are going to have to show inner strength every day for the rest of their lives," says Camp Counselor Reggie Beerbotham, who has just uncovered a stash of Unicef boxes under the mattress of one of the campers. Sighing, he piles them on the child's pillow and goes outside to find some dog feces. "I honestly believe that evil doesn't come naturally to some of them. But what are you gonna do? You can't let them be good. What kind of lives are they going to have? Who's going to love them?"
Enrolled in the camp for only two weeks, Kathy is already showing encouraging signs of improvement. At first, she was unable to steal without eventually returning to the scene of the crime and either tearfully confessing or returning the item stolen. Now, she coolly pockets the craft counselor's reading glasses with only the faintest of guilty expressions and casually strolls out of the room.
One young woman is on the road to recovery, but many remain, and the future of America's youth remains uncertain. Ulcers are becoming as common on the playground as they once were in the Elks Lodge (where now a standard of rude good health is rigorously maintained). One thing is certain, however: good people are worthy of spite and disgust. It is your duty as a responsible American to shun and jeer at them, and to remind them, as forcefully as possible, that you are better than they are.
posted by Katie Taylor at 6:29 PM
1 Comments:
"Enrolled in the camp for only two weeks, Kathy is already showing encouraging signs of improvement. At first, she was unable to steal without eventually returning to the scene of the crime and either tearfully confessing or returning the item stolen. Now, she coolly pockets the craft counselor's reading glasses with only the faintest of guilty expressions and casually strolls out of the room."
She's been getting "A"s in the classes she's been taking from Scooter and the Shrub-in-Chief.
I can't help but think that the phenomenae are somehow related.
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